Just in case you haven't had your fill of zombies, here comes PLATOON OF THE DEAD (2009), a new zombie flick by writer/director John Bowker, now available on DVD.

PLATOON OF THE DEAD is the story of three Marines, Lieutenant Roberts (Chris Keown), Sergeant Butler (Tom Stedham) and Private Dillon (Tyler David) survivors of a zombie ambush in a war of the future- just when and where this war occurs is not specified. It looks like present day, which is mighty convenient for a low budget production like this. The movie was shot in Oregon, and there's nothing in the movie to suggest that the action doesn't take place there.

The Marines take shelter inside a seemingly abandoned house, where they meet three weird and mysterious women, Heather (Ariauna Albright), Stacy (Michelle Mahoney), and the mute Jill (Amanda Bounds) The women tell their stories, explaining how they all made it to the house, and the Marines share what background knowledge they have on how the zombies came to be.

Supposedly, the zombie epidemic in this flick started with a group of teens playing with a Ouija board. Yes, you heard me right.

And with that said, I'll take off the kid gloves and cut right to the chase. PLATOON OF THE DEAD is the worst movie I've seen this year. Yes, even worse than the silly SHARKS IN VENICE I reviewed back in March, even worse than TOKYO GORE POLICE. At least TOKYO GORE POLICE had style.

The zombies here were probably the least horrific zombies I've ever seen in a movie. I've seen scarier make-up jobs at my door on Halloween night.

The script by John Bowker excluded many important details, like where the action took place, when, and left many questions unanswered, like just where the hell is everyone else anyway? It also included the ridiculous Ouija board premise.

The characters as written were poorly conceived. Lieutenant Roberts, the leader of the three Marines, with his long hair, looks anything but a Marine. He looks like he should be hanging out with Johnny Depp on the set of one of those PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN movies. And his sensitive personality is all wrong. He should be leading a rock band not a marine troop.

The gruff straight talking and overly rude Sergeant Butler is more Marine-like than his commanding officer, but he is also strictly cliche. We know nothing about his background, why he acts the way he does, or what makes him tick. While he at times is entertaining in a crude sort of way, his character never rises above the level of one-dimensional cartoon.

Private Dillon is the most "regular guy" of the three, but he's also the most boring. He's strictly one-dimensional as well.

The women characters are even worse. Heather is the "strong" woman of the group, and of the three she's the most likeable. But once more she is poorly defined. We don't know what she did before the zombie war, who she was, who she knew, or anything about her that would make you want to care about her.

The strangest character, and by default, the most interesting of the women, is Stacy. With her bizarre attitude, she comes off as a person with a little more depth than the others, as she generates a natural curiosity as to what makes her tick. But alas, the curiosity is ruined by the explanation, that in reality, she's working with the zombies, which begs the question, why in the world would anyone want to work with a zombie? As a writer, if you go this route, you darned well better explain it!

And then there's Jill, who's mute. Nuff said.

The poor writing isn't helped at all by the acting, as all six leads deliver performances that fall well short of what you would consider professional. They play like amateurs, the type of performances your friends would give if you put them in a movie you had written and filmed.

Director Bowker seems to think that puking is a form of horror. I counted four times at least that we are subjected to watching a character upchuck the contents of his stomach. That's four times too many.

But by far the most laughable item in this zombie disaster are the "weapons" used by the Marines to fight off the zombies: guns that look like normal automatic weapons, but are in fact "lasers." The sound effect used for these things sounds like it was created by Winnie the Pooh. Have a listen-

MARINE: "Fire!"

Laser sound (soft and high-pitched): Pooh, pooh, pooh.

Even the comedy misfires, big time. One of the bits that are supposed to pass as comedy, for example, is a conversation about a "pot roast." There are several attempts at humor. Be glad there aren't more.

If you want to see a much better zombie horror comedy check out DANCE OF THE DEAD (2009) also available on DVD. It's a more polished and entertaining production than this one.

The one thing PLATOON OF THE DEAD has going for it is a lively energetic music score by Steve Sessions. Sessions' music is an effective mix of traditional horror movie music and military marches. It is so lively that at times it doesn't really go with the movie, which is about as lively as a splattered zombie brain. You have this really cool music playing over a slow moving scene with below average actors delivering lame lines of dialogue, and you're thinking, how did this movie get this soundtrack?

And lastly, PLATOON OF THE DEAD is billed as a gory horror flick. While there is gore, it is lame and cheaply done. The goriest thing on the menu are people upchucking their breakfast with a frequency that makes you wonder if they hadn't just watched some of the film's rushes.

PLATOON OF THE DEAD is the worst horror movie I've seen this year. Bury this one quickly, and let it remain dead in the graveyard where it belongs.


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