I truly hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I feel it is my duty to speak the truth where vampires are concerned. I realize that for the past year millions of teens, and a few adults, have been salivating over the prospect of a TWILIGHT movie being made. Throughout the web, in dark little chat rooms and a multiplicity of blogs, TWILIGHT fans have thronged together, feeding off one another's fanaticism and fueling a new fresh new generation of vampire enthusiasts. At first I was thrilled at the cultivation of this new league of undead fans and thought, perhaps the creation of a movie based on Stephanie Meyer's best-selling novels just might be the much needed breath breathed back into the genre. And so, I hesitantly awaited the release of the film. Now, I have not read the books, I will be up front about that. I simply did not have time in the past few months to read the three massive tombs she penned. However, now that I have sat through the two hour long screen adaptation, I am suddenly quite relieved that I no longer have even the slightest desire to read them. Yes, my dear readers, TWILIGHT, the movie, was quite possibly one of the worst vampire films I have ever seen and perhaps one of the worst films of any genre I have viewed over the years. Yes, it was almost as painful as the 1980's sci fi film ENEMY MINE, but without Louis Gossett Jr.'s bizarrely effeminate purring alien. Oh, I can hear them now, the throngs of teens in their "Team Edward" T-shirts climbing the hill to my apartment with pitchforks and cell phones in hand. But it had to be said. It is only fair to the actual credible vampire films out there...and credible vampires, at that.

I am still, at this very moment, shaking my head at how this movie came to be? After the film I actually sat down and made a list of all of the aspects of the film that caused my teeth to set on edge or for me to burst into hysterical laughter at their absolute absurdity. Either Melissa Rosenberg wrote the screenplay in her sleep or Catherine Hardwicke was high on Percocet during the creation of the film because the final product was the most empty, hackneyed, ridiculous excuse for both a romantic drama and a vampire film. It seemed that ninety-five percent of the film consisted of the exact same scenes over and over and over again. Cafeteria: kids eating lunch being over-the-top happy and giggly about boys; cut to front yard of Bella's father's house where small conversation will take place between Bella, her father and their two Native American friends (again, waaaaaaaaaaay too happy); cut to scene of trees and fog with Bella and Edward being intense and staring longingly into each other's eyes and yelling at each other "I'm not afraid of you!" "Well you should be."....now repeat cycle another twelve times to fill the two hours needed for a feature film. There was so little actual plot development in the first hour of the film that I seriously thought that I had somehow accidentally stepped into a time loop of some sort and I would be doomed to experience the same fifteen minutes for the rest of my life. Honestly the film could have been cut down to forty-five minutes and...well, no. It still would have had all of the personality and pizzazz of a stale Hot Pocket.

Asides from the absolute lack of any directorial savvy, there were simply so many things that were mind-boggling wrong with this film that I could easily go on for pages and pages rallying against the injustice it has done to the vampire genre. However, I have, for your sake and mine, narrowed it down to a small list...

1) As I mentioned earlier, the teens in this movie are beyond plastic. Their actions and reactions are so far removed from any realistic teen I have ever met that, if I were a teen, I would feel as if my intellect had been highly insulted that they would dumb-down and trivialize the characters to a bunch of giggling, hyped-up vacant wannabes. Pathetic.

2) And speaking of teens, there is one aspect of Bella's relocation to the town of Forks, Washington which terribly irked me from the beginning of the film. When she arrives to the town she is instantly the most popular girl in school before she has even set foot inside the doors. It's as if the school has been salivating over her arrival for months with a psychotic cult-like fascination. Also, there is never a fight or disagreement with these kids. There appear to be no cliques, no bad guys, no obnoxious mean girls within the school. Again, I question Meyer's ability to write a realistic world. Does she not remember high school? Or was the one she went to mandating that all of the kids on campus take Prozac?


3) This leads me to the dialogue. Just as with the re-usage of the exact same scenes (or so it felt) over and over again to fill time, nearly identical dialogue was uttered in nearly every scene. Did the screenwriter truly believe that the audience wouldn't be paying attention...at all? Or are Stephanie Meyer's books this horribly written. I'm almost morbidly curious enough to check out a copy of TWILIGHT from the library and see for myself.

4) Edward's "family." I have to mention this because it was one of the cheesiest part of the film. Not only were they supposed to be "good", they lived in a big spotless glass house and were picture perfect little saints in stylishly conservative clothing and proper manners. In fact they truly reminded me of the Keatons from the 80's TV show FAMILY TIES, all smiles and teasing and perfectly combed hair. Why don't you just rip the spine out of the vampire genre crush it beneath the wheels of your little sports car Edward? Seriously!


5) Vampire playing baseball. And in little white uniforms. Need I say more?

6) The vampires in TWILIGHT do not have fangs. That's right, NO FANGS!! When I realized this I just about threw up. Not only has she turned them into a Disneyland theme park ride, she has stripped them of one of the trademark characteristics that make a vampire a vampire! No fangs??? That's like taking the stripes away from a zebra. It's not a zebra without the stripes! Fangs are one of my particulars when I watch any vampire film; I have a certain way I like to see the fangs on vampires represented. But no fangs at all? Don't insult me.


7) And last, but certainly not least, the gold glitter. Yes, I said glitter. Apparently, the reason Meyers' has given to why her vampires do not go out in the sunlight is because, when they do, their skin appears to be coated with gold glitter. Indeed, they actually glow and sparkle. Fangless glittering pansies. This is what Meyers has turned vampires into. I think I just threw up a little. But maybe that's what it takes to get a New York Best Seller? Maybe if I coated my vampires in gold fairy dust and had their fangs filed down then they'd be more loveable and household friendly. Oh, wait! They're VAMPIRES! They're not supposed to be cute and cuddly and glittery! Hell, why don't you just stick them in a big hot pink Nerf costume and have them sing "It's a Small World After All" while you're at it! I am appalled that this is how the new generation of vampire fans who have embraced TWILIGHT will now believe vampires are supposed to be portrayed! I must say that it is a horrendous injustice to the genre...

And what is even more appalling is that this is predicted to be the top-grossing movie this weekend. How scary is that? Mortifying from my perspective. Almost as mortifying as a few weeks ago when BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA was number one in the box office, though BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA didn't directly insult the very genre I endorse and protect like a rabid badger. At least I can rest easy knowing that Stephanie Meyers is done writing TWILIGHT books as the last one in the series was published last August. However, unfortunately, we will be subjected to yet another TWILIGHT movie. Sorry to give that little teaser away, but I thought the masses should be properly warned ahead of time.