(A note from the Knife Fighters - if you like our column and would like to continue to get your fix of CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT, you're in luck. We've created a site just for CKF. Just go to www.cinemaknifefight.com

It's currently a work in progress, but new columns will continue to be posted there, as well as columns from our archives from the last five years.

We have really enjoyed working with Fear Zone the last two years, and it will be sad to see it go. CKF was one of the first columns to be published on Fear Zone, and we'll always remember it fondly. It was great working with our Editor, Greg Lamberson, and we wish him nothing but success for the future.

Please stick with us. Cinema Knife ... (more…)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Back when I first launched Fear Zone, Lauran - oops, L.L. - Soares approached me about resurrecting "Cinema Knife Fight," a dueling citics column he and Michael Arruda had written for another site. It's been a great joy to run this column; the boys have covered theatrical releases, VOD, DVD and even magazines. It is my hope that they'll be nominated for a Bram Stoker Award in the "nonfiction" category this year. But all good things must come to an end, and now that FZ has joined the ranks of volunteer-based websites, the Siskel and Ebert of horror reviews are moving on, and I wish them both well. This column is especially meaningful to me, as it is the first one in almost ... (more…)

FADE IN

(LL SOARES is dressed in a white hospital gown, sitting on white sheets on a white bed in the middle of a bright white room. MICHAEL ARRUDA enters the room, also dressed in white, pulling a rope attached to a white horse)

LS: Wow. What's with the white horse?

MA: It's my attempt to inject fancy highbrow symbolism into this review. It doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense, because hell, it looks artsy and creative.

LS: Huh?

MA: Actually, I found it outside. Someone just left it there. Three guys who looked suspiciously like Moe, Larry, and Curly.

LS: Weird.

PA Voice: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

MA: As much as I'd like to go out there and see what they're up to, I ... (more…)

FADE IN:

MICHAEL ARRUDA and LL SOARES are inside an alien shanty town. In the background, soldiers move around, questioning aliens, attempting to get them to sign eviction forms, while a camera crew films the proceedings.

MA (talks into the camera): Welcome to another edition of Cinema Knife Fight. LL and I are inside this alien shanty town today to review the new science-fiction thriller, DISTRICT 9.

LS: I thought we were here to try some of that alien grub?

MA: Do you always think with your stomach?

LS: Only when I'm hungry. (Eyes open wide) Ah, here we go! (Picks up a severed alien claw).

MA (horrified): What are you going to do with that?

LS: Dip it in melted butter. This makes a ... (more…)

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: SLIME CITY GRINDHOUSE COLLECTION
OR "MICHAEL AND LL GO TO SLIME CITY"

CHAPTER 1

(FADE IN: MICHAEL ARRUDA and LL SOARES stand outside an old-looking brownstone in a bad section of town. They are greeted by LIZZIE, an old woman who owns the building)

LIZZIE: Hello boys, you must be here for the room.

MA: Room?

LIZZIE: I put an ad in the paper. Didn't you see it?

LS: No, we don't want to live here, you old bag. We're here to review Gregory Lamberson's SLIME CITY GRINDHOUSE COLLECTION. (To audience) This one is actually going to involve some travel, but it's mostly a walking tour. First stop, the house from SLIME CITY! (To Lizzie). How about setting us up with some of that ... (more…)

(FADE IN: The scene is a classroom, with the desks full of kids. In the front of the room L.L. SOARES is speaking to them.)

LS: Okay, class, today we're going to have Show and Tell! And our first student will be little Mikey Arruda. Come to the front of the class, Mikey!

(MIKEY ARRUDA squeezes out from the child's chair and goes to the front of the room.)

LS: What do you have for us today?

MA (in little boy voice): I drew a picture.

LS: Can you show it to the class?

(MA unfolds picture and hands it to LS.)

LS (eyes bulging as he sees drawing of nude woman): Whoa, baby! Let's not show that to the class just yet. Good old Mr. Soares is going to put this away into his private collect--- er, into ... (more…)

Cool comic book cover, used because the movie company hasn't even bothered to create a poster or DVD cover...

FADE IN

(Scene: A WOMAN lies on a bed, ready to give birth. A DOCTOR and a NURSE prepare to deliver the baby).

DOCTOR: Here it comes! Here it comes! (sound of baby crying) You have a healthy baby boy!

WOMAN (relieved): Why, thank you, doctor. (She suddenly starts screaming again).

NURSE (pointing to woman): Doctor, there's another one. She's having twins.

DOCTOR (leans towards woman): What the---? Oh my God! (DOCTOR and NURSE scream in unison, abject terror etched on their features)

(A baby with the head of L. L. SOARES crawls out onto the bed. It looks at trembling doctor and ... (more…)

(FADE IN.

MICHAEL ARRUDA is standing in front of a mirror, combing his hair, when suddenly his reflection transforms into the image of an ugly old woman with one withered eye, warts, and fang-like teeth. MICHAEL jumps back and screams. The woman then peels her face off to reveal that she is really L.L. SOARES)

LS: Haha. I really scared you there.

MA: Yeah, I thought we were reviewing MIRRORS again. Phew! (wiping his brow in relief)

LS: MIRRORS? No way! This week we're going to review something much better: the new horror movie DRAG ME TO HELL, directed by big-time Hollywood director Sam Raimi. Despite seeming to totally lose his mojo on his blockbuster SPIDER-MAN movies the last few years (... (more…)

(FADE IN. The scene is a futuristic landscape, decimated by war, with screaming people fleeing in every direction, as an 80-foot tall terminator machine opens fire on them. MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES are among the fleeing humans. They jump into an abandoned jeep, and with L.L. behind the wheel, race away with the giant machine in hot pursuit).

MA (raising his voice to be heard over all the pandemonium): Welcome to another edition of CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT. L.L. and I have traveled to the not-so-distant future to see firsthand what it's like to live in the TERMINATOR world, to bring you the most authentic review possible of the new movie, TERMINATOR SALVATION (2009).

LS: Yeah, and it sucks!

... (more…)

FADE IN

(SCENE: The interior of a spaceship. LL SOARES is in a cage made of laser beams in the middle of a control room.)

LS: Hiya, folks. Welcome to Cinema Strangehold. This is what we call it when only one of us Cinema Knife Fight guys can review a movie that we had both planned to review. So how come Michael isn't here? Well, it turns out that the movie we were going to review this week, ALIEN TRESPASS, was only available in limited release, and wasn't playing anywhere near him. So I get to examine it solo.

I saw ALIEN TRESPASS in an independent art theater and I guess the big question is, does this movie deserve a much wider release? Sadly, my answer would have to be a resounding "No."

... (more…)