(SCENE - in black and white: A large white limo with blackened windows pulls up in front of a fancy hotel. Out pop L.L. SOARES and MICHAEL ARRUDA, both sporting long hair and 70s disco-style tuxedos. They escort their beautiful prom dates from the limo. MA smiles and reveals shiny silver braces. LS smiles and picks a human ear from between his teeth. "Freeze Frame" by the J.Geils Band plays in the background.)

LS (voiceover): Ah, the high school prom. What memories!

(Suddenly the film stops and a hole burns through it as it's eaten by the projector.)

MA: What a horror show, you mean! Yep, we were both in high school when the original PROM NIGHT came out, back in 1980.

LS: But today, in ... (more…)

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE RUINS

(The scene is the top of an ancient pyramid in the jungles of Mexico. L. L. SOARES stands at the mouth of what appears to be a deep well, looking down into the darkness.)

LS: Michael, you down there?

(The only sound is the trilling of a cell phone coming from below.)

LS: Oh well, I guess I'm doing this one by myself.

(LS looks over the side of the pyramid, down at natives circling the bottom of the temple. They are looking up at him, waving guns. One man has a bow and arrows. Another guy holds up a sign that says, "Got Milk?")

LS: It doesn't look like they're going to let me out of here anytime soon. So I might as well use this time to talk about the new horror film, ... (more…)

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT (DVD EDITION): SEE JANE RUN

(We open to an extreme close-up of the raw red contents of a meat grinder. The camera pulls back to reveal MICHAEL ARRUDA wearing a butcher's apron, smeared with blood, pouring chunks of red meat into the top of the grinder and turning the crank as ground flesh pours out into a bowl.)

L.L. SOARES enters the room. He is wearing a chef's hat. There is also a clothes iron tied to the right side of his face.

LS: Hurry it up! They're demanding more food out there!

MA: I'm grinding as fast as I can!

LS (picks up some ground meat and tosses it into his mouth, licking his fingers): So good you can eat it raw! This is a good ... (more…)

EDITOR'S NOTE: The One Eyed, One Horned, Flying Purple People Eater informs me that this Knife Fight reveals certain visual aspects of the Top Secret Cloverfield Monster, if you're concerned about such things.

(The scene: a deserted city street. L. L. SOARES is looking into a video camera while he shakes it violently. MICHAEL ARRUDA stands out of camera shot)

LS: I don't know what's happening! Some kind of monster is tearing the city apart!

MA: Did you see that?

LS: What?

(There is a roar in the background)

MA: Holy sh--!

LS: What is it?!

(A giant purple dinosaur pops its head up above the buildings)

DINOSAUR: (singing) I like you, you like me! Howdy boys and girls!

... (more…)

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT (DVD EDITION): JACK KETCHUM'S GIRL NEXT DOOR

(The scene is a dark basement. L. L. SOARES sits on a chair, surrounded by a bunch of shouting children. He is wearing a flowered dress and lights a cigarette. Meanwhile MICHAEL ARRUDA is in front of them, hanging from the ceiling by ropes that are around his wrists. As viewed from behind, he is naked. His buns are perfect.)

MA: Obvious stunt double.

MA (suddenly clothed and untied): You know, after watching JACK KETCHUM'S THE GIRL NEXT DOOR, I'm not in the mood for parody. What do you say we just get on with the review and do this seriously for once?

LS: I figured you'd wimp out on this one. Okay, kids, ... (more…)

Inside a darkened sewage tunnel, with filthy water dripping down walls into a rushing river of human waste, an Alien opens its mouth and hisses at the unseen intruder it senses. Suddenly, the Alien suffers violent spasms and falls onto its back as it squeals in pain. The Alien's chest bursts open in an explosion of guts and green blood, and out pops MICHAEL ARRUDA. MA brushes the green goop from his body and is about to speak when he hears a strange clicking sound behind him. He whirls around.

Turning off its cloaking mechanism, a huge Predator materializes in the sewer and aims a funky looking weapon at MA. The weapon jams, and from behind the Predator's mask comes a loud expletive. ... (more…)

(THE SCENE: a dark, cold street in 19th century London. Michael Arruda holds his long coat tight to himself, since there's a chill in the air and snowflakes have begun to fall. He sees light coming from "Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Emporium" and like a moth to the flame, he approaches. As he opens the door, a bell jingles, and he sees L. L. Soares sitting at a table which is almost completely covered in round, thick meat pies).

LS: It's about time you got here! You've got to try these pies, they are quite delicious.

(MA sits down. A serving boy pours a pitcher of ale into his cup. MA hungrily grabs one of the meat pies and bites into it.)

MA: What the hell? What's this?

LS: ... (more…)

Inside a quaint, small town supermarket, Michael Arruda pushes a shopping cart along the produce aisle. His cart is full of an odd assortment of items, including shrunken heads, skulls, severed body parts stained with blood, sweetened monster cereals in colorful boxes, and a hardcover copy of SKELETON CREW by Stephen King. Michael stops to select some Florida blood oranges.

Suddenly L.L. Soares appears, shouting and waving a burning torch at some unseen menace.

LS: Watch out! They're coming!

MA: Giant bugs?

LS: No, an angry mob of naysayers who only read reviews before the film is released!

MA (shouting towards mob): Film criticism is timeless, people! Put down ... (more…)

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: FANGORIA VS. RUE MORGUE

by Michael Arruda and L. L. Soares

THE SCENE: a vast subterranean world full of stalactites and stalagmites, with geysers of flame shooting up into the air and rivers of magma bubbling. L. L. Soares is sitting on a rock, laughing. He has two identical heads, each looking at a separate magazine. Suddenly, Michael Arruda appears. He is not laughing. He lifts a spear.

LS: What the hell is that for?

MA: Well, you look like you belong in a Ray Harryhausen movie, so I thought I'd grab myself a spear.

LS: That's pretty rude. Do I go to your home and aim a spear at you?

MA: I don't know. If I had two heads you might. I see you ... (more…)

Cinema Knife Fight by Michael Arruda & L.L. Soares

THE SCENE: Barrow, Alaska. The northernmost tip of the United States. Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares stand in the middle of a vast snow-covered terrain. They are looking down at something mysterious by their feet.

It's a mound of 30 DVDs, burned almost beyond recognition. However, some titles can still be read among the charred remains---SIGNS, THE VILLAGE and LADY IN THE WATER.

MA: Who would do such a thing?

LS: Someone with taste?

(MA falls into a daydream and imagines LS strapped to a chair, shrieking, his eyes forced open with metal clips, while the movie SIGNS plays over and over in a loop on a large screen in front ... (more…)