FADE IN

(SCENE: The interior of a spaceship. LL SOARES is in a cage made of laser beams in the middle of a control room.)

LS: Hiya, folks. Welcome to Cinema Strangehold. This is what we call it when only one of us Cinema Knife Fight guys can review a movie that we had both planned to review. So how come Michael isn't here? Well, it turns out that the movie we were going to review this week, ALIEN TRESPASS, was only available in limited release, and wasn't playing anywhere near him. So I get to examine it solo.

I saw ALIEN TRESPASS in an independent art theater and I guess the big question is, does this movie deserve a much wider release? Sadly, my answer would have to be a resounding "No."

... (more…)

FADE IN

(On a street in downtown Tokyo, MICHAEL ARRUDA and LL SOARES are dressed in police armor. The buildings are dark and the road is full with bodies)

MA: What happened here?

LS: I don't know. Maybe someone was angry that they canceled THE BIONIC WOMAN.

MA: Really? Seeing that we're in Tokyo, I would have imagined some giant monster with hot breath having something to do with this.

LS: I dunno. They look sort of chopped up to me.

MA: Anyway, today we're reviewing a DVD, right?

LS: Yes. This week we're reviewing the Japanese film TOKYO GORE POLICE (2008), and it certainly lives up to its name. If you've got a problem with gruesome effects and fountains for blood, then chances are this movie ... (more…)

FADE IN

(Close-up of LL SOARES lying down on a table with his head inside a microwave oven. MICHAEL ARRUDA enters the room)

MA: What are you doing? Cleaning the microwave with your tongue again?

LS: No, I'm--- hmm, it does need cleaning---I'm just drying my hair. Can you push the START button for me?

MA: You don't have any hair. Now stop fooling around so we can review the new remake of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT.

LS (pulls himself out of the microwave and sits up on the table. He pats his head): I used to have hair.

So Where was I? Ahhh, revenge. One of my favorite themes in horror fiction. And LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT is about nothing if not revenge.

MA: Well said, Lex Luthor.

LS: First off a ... (more…)

FADE IN

(As the screen slowly lightens, the first thing we hear is shouting and screaming, and then realize we're in the middle of a riot inside a maximum security prison. Violent criminals are engaging the prison guards in a bloody battle. Onto this scene walk MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES.)

MA: We really do visit the nicest places.

LS: And the food here ain't too bad, either (he's holding a bowl of chocolate pudding and eating from it)

(A screaming prisoner is tossed over their heads and crashes into some prison bars with a thud. He slides to the floor, seeing cartoon stars)

MA: Today we're reviewing the new superhero movie, WATCHMEN (2009) based on the graphic novel by Alan Moore.

LS: And ... (more…)

FADE IN

(The camera pans a sign that reads CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, and then we find MICHAEL ARRUDA inside a dilapidated cabin, trying to turn the lights on, but they won't work)

MA: Hey, LL? I don't mind that you keep wanting to meet in these creepy places, but at least pick a place where they pay their electric bills!

(Strikes a match and lights a candle, engulfing the interior of the cabin with full cheery light) (Looks at camera)

It's a new guy doing the lighting, but hey, it works for me.

(A closet door swings open and a scary figure pops out, wearing a hockey mask)

MA: Hi LL.

LS (removes mask): What gave it away?

MA: You know, I think I'm going to go with the Alf T-shirt.

LS: Oh. I knew I ... (more…)

FADE IN

(Inside a 3-D animated kitchen, a stop-motion animated MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES confront each other. LS has buttons for eyes and is cooking an animated pot roast.)

MA: Are you the "Other" LL?

LS (ripping the buttons from his eyelids): Naw, it's just me having some fun, that's all.

MA: Fun? Didn't that hurt?

LS (eyes bleeding): Not really.

MA: But you just ripped your eyelids off!

LS (touches his eyes): So I did. Oh well. I'll just have to grow new ones. (He grows new eyelids over his eyes).

(Camera pans backwards to reveal the real MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES watching their animated selves on a flat screen computer monitor.)

MA: Do you find it difficult reviewing a movie ... (more…)

FADE IN

(The scene is a boat house by the lake. LL SOARES is asleep on a hammock. A series of wires that resemble jumper cables are attached to his forehead. MICHAEL ARRUDA stands over him with a grin, holding an evil-looking remote control contraption. MA flicks the switch, giving LS a shocking electric jolt, and LS screams.)

(LS opens his eyes, sweat on his forehead. There is a knock on the door. MA enters.)

LS: Come on in. I was just taking a nap. Funny that you're here. I just dreamt that you--- never mind.

MA: Yes, never mind. (Nudges sinister set of wires out of sight underneath bureau.) You gotta stop sleeping on the job, man. We have a review to do. This is starting to ... (more…)

FADE IN

(The Scene: Inside the deep, dark cavern of a dimly lit mine shaft, MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES, wearing miners' gear, their faces blackened with coal soot, debate the best kind of Valentine's Day candy.)

MA: You can't beat the chocolate-covered jellies.

LS: Jellies are for wimps. Nuts, lots of nuts, that's the way to go. Something meaty, that you can really sink your teeth into.

VOICE (from off-camera): Eh-hem.

(MA & LS look embarrassingly at camera).

MA (clearing throat): We're on? (deepening his voice to a macho tone) Yeah, human hearts, that's the best kind of surprise inside a Valentine's Day box.

LS (nodding): Chocolate-covered entrails, that's the ticket.

MA: Welcome to another ... (more…)

FADE IN:

(LL SOARES is jogging across a bridge when he sees a woolen mitten on the ground. He stops and turns around, to see a scary-looking zombie kid with glowing eyes - wearing just one mitten.

ZOMBIE KID: Gumby wants to be born now!

(LS blinks, and suddenly the little zombie kid has an upside down Gumby head on his shoulders.)

GUMBY: I'm Gumby, dammit!

(LS wakes up screaming and MICHAEL ARRUDA enters the room.)

MA: What's the matter? Did you have a nightmare?

LS: Yes. I dreamt I was forced to watch THE UNBORN a second time.

MA: Hmm, there's a twisted idea! Aw, you were just dreaming. Serves you right for eating pickles before bedtime. (glances at empty pickle jar on bed stand).

LS: I sure ... (more…)

(THE SCENE: Orchestral music swells as MICHAEL ARRUDA and LL SOARES are dressed in tuxedos and seated inside a mad scientist's laboratory, complete with bubbling test tubes, colorful beakers, flashing lights, and electronic sounds. They each hold a glass of champagne and a "Happy New Year" banner hangs behind them)

MA (lifting glass): Happy New Year, everyone!

LS: Yes, Happy New Year!

MA: Welcome to a special edition of Cinema Knife Fight, where LL and I each choose our top 5 horror releases for 2008. The rules to this thing are simple. We reviewed a bunch of movies this year, and LL and I each had to come up with our top 5 favorites of the year. We'll give you our 5, and of course, we'll, ... (more…)