EDITOR'S NOTE: I first met noted short story writer and small press publisher John Maclay when we shared a reading slot at Horrorfind in Baltimore several years ago. The next time I saw him was on the set of my upcoming film SLIME CITY MASSACRE, which John executive produced. In between those two face-to-face encounters, he was one of the first people I contacted to write for Fear Zone. I hope you've enjoyed John Maclay's Humor Zone as much as I have.

Shameless Self-promotion Department II


As you may know, since 1984 I've sold more than 100 horror and fantasy stories, many of them to mass-market anthologies. And my most recent story collections have been A Little Red Book of Vampire ... (more…)

11:11

Much has been written about the 11:11 phenomenon, which consists of certain people noticing that number on their digital clocks in a way that's too strong to be coincidence, and too random to involve their looking for it. There was even a 2004 movie, 11:11: HELL'S GATE, and another movie titled 11:11 will be out next year.

I know, because I'm an 11:11 person myself.

It started for me about a year and a half ago, when I honestly hadn't heard, read, or seen a word about the thing. I'd pass by the digital clock in my bedroom, which I only look at perhaps six times a day, and a disproportionate number of times it would read 11:11. I wondered about this, but I dismissed it as coincidence ... (more…)

The other week, I was a presenter at Horrible Saturday at the York (PA) Emporium. (Go to www.theyorkemporium.com, and you'll find it has acres of stuff you'll love, both in its building and online.) This came about after our mutual friend, the legendary horror publisher Chuck Miller, introduced Jim Lewin, York Emporium proprietor along with his wife Pam, and myself, at a recent convention.

I wasn't sure what Jim had in mind for me to do, so I prepared a short talk. But when I saw him using an interview format with one of my fellow presenters, the fine horror writer J. F. Gonzalez, and saw what a great interviewer he is, I went for an interview myself instead. P.S. All of Horrible ... (more…)

My last two columns were pretty serious, so I thought I'd troll the internet for some horror jokes this time. (And apologies in advance for the "groaners"!)

(The following are from cavernsofblood.com:)

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer. [Note: Of course there's even a band by that name.]

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves.

Why did the vampire subscribe to The Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation.

Why did the cyclops have to close his school? He only had one pupil.

What did the skeleton say to the ... (more…)

We've been hearing a lot about huge bonuses being paid to top executives of failed companies that were bailed out with taxpayer dollars.

The justification has been that these companies can't be run without a "talent pool," and that these bonuses, not to mention huge salaries, are necessary to retain it.

But I love the recent New Yorker cartoon by Robert Mankoff, in which a woman is saying to a man at a cocktail party, "True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke!"

And some of these same companies, lo and behold, also owe back taxes.

As a man on the street in a CNN interview said (more or less), "I don't ... (more…)

Okay, folks. We're in tough times. Or maybe more than that, we're in deep shit. Henry Paulson's face told me that, back in September, and Barack Obama's face does, now. Always look at the faces of the guys who know, to know.

This country has been living on "bubbles" for a long while, and now the biggest one of all has burst. Like someone once said, we don't make steel anymore, we only sell hamburgers to each other. Or build houses for each other, and base our whole economy on the premise that their value will go up and up. But I've got news for you, folks. The old saying is, "What goes up, must come down."

Same thing with the stock market. Everyone says, "Stay the course, it will go ... (more…)

1. Though my son's grown up now, he's still creeped out by "Frosty the Snowman." He sees it as an existential tragedy: Frosty's brief moment of life and play before melting into oblivion. And will Frosty "be back again someday?" Yeah, right, he's melted, he's dead.

2. "Jolly Old St. Nicholas." In that song, there's the line, "As for me, my little brain isn't very bright; choose for me, old Santa Claus, what you think is right." Sounds cute - except for the fact that my late father's older brothers always pointed to him when singing that line, making him feel like shit.

3. "Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer." Here we have a North-Polar with Disability who's only accepted because of a ... (more…)

My newest book, Pirate Radio , co-written with the late Rex Miller, is a few weeks away from publication by Borderlands Press. It's a thriller with horror overtones. (To order, go to borderlandspress.com- I told you this was going to be shameless self-promotion!)
But I thought you might also be interested in how this book came to be. So here's my Foreword:

My first contact with Rex Miller was in 1991, when J. N. Williamson included a story of his in Masques IV , of which I was the publisher. Then in 1994, I included a story of his in Voices from the Night , which I edited and published. And in 1995, I published Rex's novel St. Louis Blues. By that time, we were great friends, not ... (more…)

Some Overlooked Headlines from the Presidential Campaign


McCain is a zombie!
Patch of skin was removed from his forehead to forestall recurrence of even more paleness

Obama isn't really Black!
Was just subliminally exposed to radiation while watching an early 1950s sci fi / horror flick

Hillary lost because she watched too much X-Files!
Mistakenly thought Agent Scully's pants suits would be right image for her

Romney lost focus, lost, because M. Night Shyamalan wanted him for his next movie!
Will play Warren Jeffs as leader of a retro Mormon village

Cindy McCain is also a zombie!
Conclusion reached from observation of her paleness, stiff movements, and flat speaking style

Michelle Obama ... (more…)

A Little Treasury of Mordant Quotations

As a horror writer, I'm always on the lookout for ironic, sardonic, dark, mordant quotations. So here are some I've noted down:

"And the fever called 'Living' is conquered at last." - Edgar Allan Poe

"Did it ever strike you on such a morning as this that drowning would be happiness and peace?" - Charles Dickens

"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." - Mark Twain

"I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey." - Mark Twain

"One big vice in a man is apt to keep out a great many smaller ones." - Bret Harte

"Marriage: a community consisting of a ... (more…)